Mark Holden

Worshipper, Husband, Father, Writer, Speaker

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Releasing Crooked Arrows

Releasing Crooked Arrows

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As you are parenting, are you raising children or raising adults?  It is important to know what you are aiming for.  Ultimately, if you desire to end up with healthy, productive, contributing Kingdom citizens, it is important to raise your offspring to be adults.  In the analogy of my title, a crooked arrow is one that has not been prepared to fly straight.  Through improper care, the arrow has not been made ready for flight.

When using the analogy of an arrow to picture the release of children from parents, it is important to identify an inaccuracy in the picture.  Releasing an arrow is an instantaneous event that happens the moment the string is released and the arrow is launched.  Releasing a child is a progressive event that involves many steps.  It is perhaps pictured more clearly by identifying the parenting process as one of continued relocation of fences.

A crawling infant has very narrow fences.  Daddy and Mommy keep a watchful eye on all activities.  The child has very few choices entrusted to him or her.  Mom makes decisions for the child like “Can I touch this?” or “Can I crawl over here?”  By the time that child graduates from the toddler stage, he now faces increased opportunities for decision-making, like “Would you like to wear this shirt or that one?” and “Would you like to help to wash the dishes or sweep the floor”.  The realm of decision-making power increases.  The fences are moved out.

By the time that child is twelve, he or she has moved through several more fence-moving opportunities.  Now the “almost adult” has been given authority over certain household responsibilities.  When I was twelve, I was responsible to see that the hopper to our coal furnace was kept full.  I could do it whenever I chose to.  If I neglected it, my parents woke me up at 3:00am to a cold house and the opportunity to correct that problem!  Along with that increased responsibility came increased trust.  I could dress myself; keep my bed where I wanted it in my room (as long as my brother agreed!); learn how to operate the riding lawn mower (big stuff!).

You get the idea.  It is a tragedy to see an eighteen-year old man or woman operating inside of the fence of an eleven-year old.  Oh, Dad and Mom do not crush your child’s ability to have hope through the fear that he might mess up.  Start early to entrust responsibility to your child so when they mess up, the hurt is small.  Your child will make mistakes.  That is how arrows are straightened!  Carving knifes and sand paper will do their refining work.

The Proverbs provide a great example of a father who was attempting to prepare his son for the responsibilities of adulthood.  He taught him everything from a healthy work ethic to how to govern himself in the face of temptation.

The foundational government of all jurisdictions is self-government.  Family government, civil government, and church government are all dependent upon the raising of adults who have strong self-government.  Work now to release your children into adulthood.  From the day your child is born, begin preparing him to fly on his own.

Parenting is Painful

Parenting is Painful

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Our culture has convinced us that life should be painless.  If one does experience pain, he should, in some way, be compensated for it.  Our Christian culture has magnified that expectation by a form of teaching that coaxes us on to obedience through the “promise” that obedience brings blessing, that being interpreted as, life will be painless.

The bogus promise of parenting is that if we do it right, our road will be smooth, our relationships will be healthy, marriages will be peaceful, the bank account will always be black, our children will grow up and live next door for their entire lives with all of our grandchildren happily playing in our side yard where the flowers bloom twelve months out of the year on the swing set that never gets rusty, well… you get the picture.

May I introduce to you another suggestion:  life is painful, oh and by the way, so is parenting.  God intended it that way.  Jesus said, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”   John 16:33.

I have had the special vantage point as a shepherd of people to observe deep hurt and grief, even in the healthiest of circumstances, even when the people involved have done it well.  I have been able to look past the beaming face of young bride, to look into the faces of her bride’s maid sisters.  There I observed a quiet death taking place as they bid their sister farewell.

I have observed young men broken and hurting at the close of a God-honoring, counsel-seeking courtship.  They had done it well.  They had submitted to spiritual oversight.  They had acted honorably toward a young lady, her father, and family.  But now all that remained were quiet nights alone to wonder.

Life is painful.

I offer this those of you who are hurting.  Disappointment and discouragement have not singled you out.  Your pain is normal.  There is sovereign purpose in your pain.

Note Psalm 119:67, 71
 Before I was afflicted I went astray: but now have I kept thy word.

                It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.

 

The goal of Biblical parenting is NOT to prevent pain in the lives of our children.  Ultimately God has put parents into the lives of children for the purpose of creating adults out of them.  Our Father’s desire is that the generation that follows us will be equipped to serve Him.  Instruction, training, and releasing all ultimately find their fulfillment in a generation of mature, Christ-seeking adults that no longer require government from the outside to make Godly choices.

Prepare yourself for the pain of parenting.  Equip yourself and your child with an unending allegiance to the Lord Jesus Christ.  As you rear your children, be willing to allow them to learn through the painful experiences of maturing.  Walk with them, know their hearts, and allow them to communicate their own pain.  In everything turn them to the Lord their God who desires to be their strong tower and place of refuge.

The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.   Proverbs 18:10

Parenting as a Stewardship

Parenting as a Stewardship

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Parenting well is an art.  There are times when it requires bold strokes from the pallet to the canvas.  Other times, the movements are delicate, even subtle.  Shades of color and creativity are blended to become a reflection of the hand of the artist.

In the gentle art of parenting, however, the parent must acknowledge that he or she is not the artist.  The parent is only the paintbrush.  The Lord Jesus Christ is the painter, attempting to paint a picture in the life of a child.  The parent fills a vital role in the process, but the parent is only a steward of something that does not really belong to him.  The ultimate objective of parenting is to let go.  “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother…”

There has been a considerable amount of teaching today, especially in the context of home educating families, which has been directed toward maintaining long term family relationships.  There has been a desire to counter the cultural norm to forsake parenting responsibilities by releasing them continuously to the care of others.  That desire is good, and generally has been very appropriate.  Our culture has violated the Biblical directives toward parenting, with the dreadful fruit of very broken families.  There is no doubt that we must reshape the thinking of a new generation of parents.

There has, however, also been an extremist reaction to the need of our day.  I call it “parental ownership”.  The desire to keep our children, to shape their choices, to direct their future, has become obsessive to the point of overthrowing their future altogether.

Biblical parenting works to prepare a child, from the earliest age, not to be dependent upon the governing influence of the parent, but to become self-governed under the directing influence of the Holy Spirit of God, thereby being equipped to make Godly choices as a member of Christ’s Kingdom.  It is a lack of confidence, lack of faith if you will, in the sufficiency of the ability of the Spirit of Christ to reach into the heart of a child that would cause a parent to attempt to control the life decisions of an adult child.  Fear has driven many parents to the point of denying their children the opportunity to discern the will of God for themselves.

There is much teaching on the way that will assist you as a parent, whether you are still in the toddler stage or facing the decisions of marital partners for your children, which will attempt to allow for a healthy arrival of your child as a responsible contributing member of Christ’s Kingdom.  May the Lord Jesus Christ grant you wisdom as you pursue His design for your family.

My Father’s Business

My Father’s Business

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Tim sat with joyful tension on the edge of the seat behind that giant wheel.  His position on the seat was fashioned not for comfort, but rather by his outstretched leg straining for the pedal.  His hands were sweaty with excitement.  This was a day he had been looking forward to for years, he was about to drive his dad’s lawn mower.

By design, our Lord has built the desire into children to touch their father’s work.  Children learn best in the context of daily life.  Deuteronomy 6 describes a setting in which training, nurturing, and discipleship take place in the context of daily labor.  Jesus modeled that kind of training with his disciples.  Learning happens while life goes on.

Unfortunately the kind of work that today’s “civilized world” provides does not, in many cases, afford the opportunity for hands-on involvement for children.   Many of us, as dads, must drive away from our homes in the morning to work settings and locations that do not allow our children to participate.  Even in technology-based home businesses it can be difficult to include entrepreneurs in training, I mean, how many fingers can be on the keyboard at once?

Many cultures today, and even our own culture only a hundred years ago, not only allowed, but depended on young men and women assisting in family enterprise.  Young John or Sue would help putting in hay, or stocking shelves in the family mercantile, or carrying coal for the forge in the smith shop attached to the house.  Labor was a family affair.

Jesus came not to do his own work, but to do his Father’s work.  We should be equipping our children to do the same.

 

Iced Youths

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On March 22, 1992, 44-year old pilot, Captain Wallace J. Majure II, climbed into his pilot seat to make a routine flight from LaGuardia Airport in New York to Cleveland, Ohio. The flight had become routine for him, having flown the USAir Fokker F28 for seven years. After completing his pre-trip checks and preparations, Majure and his crew made their way onto the runway and waited to be cleared for take off. Nasty New York weather delayed air traffic, and unknown to the captain, that delay was allowing the build up of ice, although he had been through the de-icing procedure twice.
Finally, takeoff was initiated. The takeoff thrust and rotation surged forward normally. Passengers were pressured back into their seats indicating that they would soon be off the ground. The jet rushed forward, nose-gear lifted from the ground, and the craft was air borne. The normal lift that the crew expected did not come. The nose of the liner began to dive. The capable captain attempted to level the jet as it banked to the left, back to the right, then left again. The plane rushed forward only a few feet above ground. It touched down, then lifted slightly again, while the left wing dragged the ground for 110 feet. Finally the left wing clipped some light towers and a pump house, which severed it from the fuselage. The plane spun and flipped down an embankment and into Flushing Bay of the Hudson River.
Of the 51 people on board, 27 were killed in the accident, including the captain and one of the cabin crew members. Tragedy had struck, caused by a craft carrying more weight than it could lift, in the form of ice on the wings.

Young people are supposed to be able to fly. Each one has been gifted in a unique way. Each one has a role to play in the world. Each one has something to contribute toward the betterment of the world.
But somehow, the process of take off has been delayed. The system into which our youth are immersed does not equip them for take off. Instead, it actually ices their wings. The result is catastrophic. In our culture, by the time a young person reaches the age of eighteen, and finishes his high school training, he is still completely illequipped for life. He can go off to war, smoke cigarettes, impregnate his girl friend, even take her for an abortion, but cannot balance a check book, cannot be trusted with a credit card, and is not prepared in any way for the work force.
The default mode for continuing that young person’s preparation is to pursue a college education. So he or she engages four to six years of additional training, and thousands, rather tens of thousands, of dollars of expense. The net result is a huge debt load resulting in a modesty more employable person, who in all likelihood will end up in a job that is completely unrelated to the diploma that represents ice on his wings.
The young man marries a sweet young lady, who by the way, has pursued a course very similar to him. They each enter the job market, not only to provide for their new household, but also to shoulder the burden of their college debt. That debt requires them to have someone else raise their children, because each of them has to work, and usually more than one job. Their family struggles under huge pressure. They do not have meals together. Small decisions become large decisions because there is no time to develop good communication. Their children develop a distorted sense of family, because the house is usually empty, and when there are people there, it’s not fun.

Building Resources for Your Children

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If your children learn this one simple practice, their lifelong financial picture will dramatically change. You can train your child out of bondage and into freedom. It’s simple, but powerful.

Use this plan for every dollar that comes into your child’s possession:

  1.  The first 10% goes to the Lord. All of the money (and everything else) is His already. We acknowledge that by giving Him the firstfruits.
  2. Of the 90% that remains, half is set aside for long term investment. The only time that it is used is to bring a return.
  3. The other half of the 90% is available for discretionary spending. Use it as he/she wants.

You will be amazed at how much money is accumulated, because you will be amazed at how much money flows through the hands of your children.

You will be amazed at the discipline and appreciation for money that will come into the life of your child.

This simple formula has transformed the futures of our children:

  • Our eldest son owned his own general contracting business by age eighteen, including tools, a trailer, truck, and the truck to move them.
  • Our eldest daughter entered marriage with a sizable account that helped to sustain them in the opening days of marriage.
  • Our second son owned, sold, and held money on three mobile homes, and is currently preparing to sell an investment house from which he will double his investment – he is 24.
  • Our other daughters have become excellent bookkeepers and competent business managers with the money that has moved through their hands.
  • Our 16 year old son currently has several thousand dollars invested in foreign currency, owns 2 businesses, has been a partner in trash container business (in which he doubled his money in 2 years), and plans to own a mobile home park by age 20.
  • Our eleven year old son has accumulated over $2000.00 of investment money and likewise is investing in foreign currency. He and his older brother work together in a printing and binding business.

I offer these statistics not to brag, but to give you vision. What could your children be doing? Where could they end up? Is it possible to equip them by the end of high school so that they have “tools in their toolbox”, instead of heads buried in electronics, dvd’s, and games. Give them hope. Give them vision. Give them a plan… It is as simple as 1, 2, 3.

 

A Theology of Risk

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Jim was at the point of decision.  He had been challenged in his thinking about the need to orient his life toward his family, toward his children.  He had grown suspect of the system in which he had been trained, which now had him locked into an eight to five schedule.  His desire to know his children and to have opportunity to shape their love for Christ was pressing on him the need for change.  But the obstacles his has been facing are huge, and real.  He sat staring down at his Bible, could he really do it differently.  Does he have what is takes to swim up stream against the flow of cultural norms?

Part of Biblical manhood is a willingness to take risks.  A man wants to know if   it can be done faster, straighter, higher, longer, bigger, more efficiently, better.  Our culture is at war with Biblical manhood.  Our system of training discourages boldness.  It discourages creativity.  It discourages risk.

Biblical risk is not the same as gambling.  Gambling is an attempt to gain without work.  Risk is a willingness to use what I have, combined with my diligent effort, to produce more.

Consider the parable of the talents in Matthew 25.  What is the condemnation that is pronounced on the unproductive servant?  Why did that condemnation come?  Note the servant’s words, “Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine.”  The man was afraid and would not take action, unlike the rewarded servants who invested their entrusted resources and gained.

People in your history have taken risks that now benefit you.  Think of just a few: Christopher Columbus, the colonists, inventors and entrepreneurs from whom you benefit everyday.  Individuals in your family lineage took the risk to travel to this continent, embracing the risk of forsaking all that was known and familiar.  The pioneer spirit (spirit of risk) drove men westward to secure hope for their families.

Beware!  Risk is risky.  Not all ventures succeed.  That’s why it is called “risk”.  There can be casualties.  Do your homework well.  Minimize the chances for loss.  Get counsel to avoid unseen potholes.  Some who venture out suffer greatly.

But the consequences for not moving are far worse.  Woe unto us if we sit when we should be moving.  Woe unto us if we allow fear to stop us from shaping our own future.  Woe unto our children and grandchildren if we do not provide opportunity for them to walk in freedom.

God is calling you to something outside of yourself.  He has entrusted resources and doors of opportunity to you that can change the future.  Do not be overthrown by fear or complacency.  Trust in the Lord your God, not the system of paralyzing comfort in which you have been trained.  Go for it!