Parenting

Parenting is Painful

Our culture has convinced us that life should be painless. If one does experience pain, he should, in some way, be compensated for it. Our Christian culture has magnified that expectation by a form of teaching that coaxes us on to obedience through the “promise” that obedience brings blessing, that being interpreted as, life will be painless.

The bogus promise of parenting is that if we do it right, our road will be smooth, our relationships will be healthy, marriages will be peaceful, the bank account will always be black, our children will grow up and live next door for their entire lives with all of our grandchildren happily playing in our side yard where the flowers bloom twelve months out of the year on the swing set that never gets rusty, well… you get the picture.

May I introduce to you another suggestion: life is painful, oh and by the way, so is parenting. God intended it that way. Jesus said, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33.

I have had the special vantage point as a shepherd of people to observe deep hurt and grief, even in the healthiest of circumstances, even when the people involved have done it well. I have been able to look past the beaming face of young bride, to look into the faces of her bride’s maid sisters. There I observed a quiet death taking place as they bid their sister farewell.

I have observed young men broken and hurting at the close of a God-honoring, counsel-seeking courtship. They had done it well. They had submitted to spiritual oversight. They had acted honorably toward a young lady, her father, and family. But now all that remained were quiet nights alone to wonder.

Life is painful.

I offer this those of you who are hurting. Disappointment and discouragement have not singled you out. Your pain is normal. There is sovereign purpose in your pain.

Note Psalm 119:67, 71Before I was afflicted I went astray: but now have I kept thy word.

It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.

The goal of Biblical parenting is NOT to prevent pain in the lives of our children. Ultimately God has put parents into the lives of children for the purpose of creating adults out of them. Our Father’s desire is that the generation that follows us will be equipped to serve Him. Instruction, training, and releasing all ultimately find their fulfillment in a generation of mature, Christ-seeking adults that no longer require government from the outside to make Godly choices.

Prepare yourself for the pain of parenting. Equip yourself and your child with an unending allegiance to the Lord Jesus Christ. As you rear your children, be willing to allow them to learn through the painful experiences of maturing. Walk with them, know their hearts, and allow them to communicate their own pain. In everything turn them to the Lord their God who desires to be their strong tower and place of refuge.

The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe. Proverbs 18:10

Parenting as a Stewardship

by mholden

Parenting well is an art. There are times when it requires bold strokes from the pallet to the canvas. Other times, the movements are delicate, even subtle. Shades of color and creativity are blended to become a reflection of the hand of the artist.

In the gentle art of parenting, however, the parent must acknowledge that he or she is not the artist. The parent is only the paintbrush. The Lord Jesus Christ is the painter, attempting to paint a picture in the life of a child. The parent fills a vital role in the process, but the parent is only a steward of something that does not really belong to him. The ultimate objective of parenting is to let go. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother…”

There has been a considerable amount of teaching today, especially in the context of home educating families, which has been directed toward maintaining long term family relationships. There has been a desire to counter the cultural norm to forsake parenting responsibilities by releasing them continuously to the care of others. That desire is good, and generally has been very appropriate. Our culture has violated the Biblical directives toward parenting, with the dreadful fruit of very broken families. There is no doubt that we must reshape the thinking of a new generation of parents.

There has, however, also been an extremist reaction to the need of our day. I call it “parental ownership”. The desire to keep our children, to shape their choices, to direct their future, has become obsessive to the point of overthrowing their future altogether.

Biblical parenting works to prepare a child, from the earliest age, not to be dependent upon the governing influence of the parent, but to become self-governed under the directing influence of the Holy Spirit of God, thereby being equipped to make Godly choices as a member of Christ’s Kingdom. It is a lack of confidence, lack of faith if you will, in the sufficiency of the ability of the Spirit of Christ to reach into the heart of a child that would cause a parent to attempt to control the life decisions of an adult child. Fear has driven many parents to the point of denying their children the opportunity to discern the will of God for themselves.

There is much teaching on the way that will assist you as a parent, whether you are still in the toddler stage or facing the decisions of marital partners for your children, which will attempt to allow for a healthy arrival of your child as a responsible contributing member of Christ’s Kingdom. May the Lord Jesus Christ grant you wisdom as you pursue His design for your family.

My Father’s Business

by mholden

Tim sat with joyful tension on the edge of the seat behind that giant wheel. His position on the seat was fashioned not for comfort, but rather by his outstretched leg straining for the pedal. His hands were sweaty with excitement. This was a day he had been looking forward to for years, he was about to drive his dad’s lawn mower.

By design, our Lord has built the desire into children to touch their father’s work. Children learn best in the context of daily life. Deuteronomy 6 describes a setting in which training, nurturing, and discipleship take place in the context of daily labor. Jesus modeled that kind of training with his disciples. Learning happens while life goes on.

Unfortunately the kind of work that today’s “civilized world” provides does not, in many cases, afford the opportunity for hands-on involvement for children. Many of us, as dads, must drive away from our homes in the morning to work settings and locations that do not allow our children to participate. Even in technology-based home businesses it can be difficult to include entrepreneurs in training, I mean, how many fingers can be on the keyboard at once?

Many cultures today, and even our own culture only a hundred years ago, not only allowed, but depended on young men and women assisting in family enterprise. Young John or Sue would help putting in hay, or stocking shelves in the family mercantile, or carrying coal for the forge in the smith shop attached to the house. Labor was a family affair.

Jesus came not to do his own work, but to do his Father’s work. We should be equipping our children to do the same.

Building Resources for Your Children

by mholden

If your children learn this one simple practice, their lifelong financial picture will dramatically change. You can train your child out of bondage and into freedom. It’s simple, but powerful.

Use this plan for every dollar that comes into your child’s possession:

The first 10% goes to the Lord. All of the money (and everything else) is His already. We acknowledge that by giving Him the firstfruits.
Of the 90% that remains, half is set aside for long term investment. The only time that it is used is to bring a return.
The other half of the 90% is available for discretionary spending. Use it as he/she wants.

You will be amazed at how much money is accumulated, because you will be amazed at how much money flows through the hands of your children.

You will be amazed at the discipline and appreciation for money that will come into the life of your child.

This simple formula has transformed the futures of our children:

Our eldest son owned his own general contracting business by age eighteen, including tools, a trailer, truck, and the truck to move them.
Our eldest daughter entered marriage with a sizable account that helped to sustain them in the opening days of marriage.
Our second son owned, sold, and held money on three mobile homes, and is currently preparing to sell an investment house from which he will double his investment – he is 24.
Our other daughters have become excellent bookkeepers and competent business managers with the money that has moved through their hands.
Our 16 year old son currently has several thousand dollars invested in foreign currency, owns 2 businesses, has been a partner in trash container business (in which he doubled his money in 2 years), and plans to own a mobile home park by age 20.
Our eleven year old son has accumulated over $2000.00 of investment money and likewise is investing in foreign currency. He and his older brother work together in a printing and binding business.

I offer these statistics not to brag, but to give you vision. What could your children be doing? Where could they end up? Is it possible to equip them by the end of high school so that they have “tools in their toolbox”, instead of heads buried in electronics, dvd’s, and games. Give them hope. Give them vision. Give them a plan… It is as simple as 1, 2, 3.

A Theology of Risk

by mholden

Jim was at the point of decision. He had been challenged in his thinking about the need to orient his life toward his family, toward his children. He had grown suspect of the system in which he had been trained, which now had him locked into an eight to five schedule. His desire to know his children and to have opportunity to shape their love for Christ was pressing on him the need for change. But the obstacles his has been facing are huge, and real. He sat staring down at his Bible, could he really do it differently. Does he have what is takes to swim up stream against the flow of cultural norms?

Part of Biblical manhood is a willingness to take risks. A man wants to know if it can be done faster, straighter, higher, longer, bigger, more efficiently, better. Our culture is at war with Biblical manhood. Our system of training discourages boldness. It discourages creativity. It discourages risk.

Biblical risk is not the same as gambling. Gambling is an attempt to gain without work. Risk is a willingness to use what I have, combined with my diligent effort, to produce more.

Consider the parable of the talents in Matthew 25. What is the condemnation that is pronounced on the unproductive servant? Why did that condemnation come? Note the servant’s words, “Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine.” The man was afraid and would not take action, unlike the rewarded servants who invested their entrusted resources and gained.

People in your history have taken risks that now benefit you. Think of just a few: Christopher Columbus, the colonists, inventors and entrepreneurs from whom you benefit everyday. Individuals in your family lineage took the risk to travel to this continent, embracing the risk of forsaking all that was known and familiar. The pioneer spirit (spirit of risk) drove men westward to secure hope for their families.

Beware! Risk is risky. Not all ventures succeed. That’s why it is called “risk”. There can be casualties. Do your homework well. Minimize the chances for loss. Get counsel to avoid unseen potholes. Some who venture out suffer greatly.

But the consequences for not moving are far worse. Woe unto us if we sit when we should be moving. Woe unto us if we allow fear to stop us from shaping our own future. Woe unto our children and grandchildren if we do not provide opportunity for them to walk in freedom.

God is calling you to something outside of yourself. He has entrusted resources and doors of opportunity to you that can change the future. Do not be overthrown by fear or complacency. Trust in the Lord your God, not the system of paralyzing comfort in which you have been trained. Go for it!

A Call to Evaluate

by mholden

I believe that a call must go out to the people of God to become a thinking people. Much of Jesus’ earthly ministry was aimed at getting people, and especially religious people, his people, to think. He wanted them to consider why they did what they did, and what was the real fruit of it.

Consider the incident with the man at the pool of Bethesda, as recorded in John 5. Jesus walked into a scene that had remained unchanged for many years. People were lying around waiting and hoping for some mysterious moving of the water that would allow them to beat everyone else to a healing plunge. Interestingly, Jesus happens into that scene on the one day, the Sabbath day, which would prevent him from doing anything about it, if he walks according to the teaching and tradition of men. Jesus walks into the middle of that crowd, picks out a guy who has obviously been waiting there for a while, instructs him to get up and walk out of there (carrying his mat of course), and then disappears into the crowd to watch what would happen.

Now, for what purpose did Jesus do the healing work? The man certainly benefited, but the lesson was not for him. The lesson was for those who were responsible to maintain the religious order for the day. Jesus wanted them to think. Their value system was being challenged by a divine act. The One who has ordered everything was defying “the way things are supposed to be”. Jesus could have chosen any other day of the week to do his work. This man had been there for years, couldn’t this act of kindness waited until tomorrow? Or, why hadn’t he come to heal yesterday. Why did he have to go upsetting everyone? He wanted them to evaluate.

Today the church must evaluate. When we look at what we have produced, we must ask some serious questions. We have produced a divorce rate that equals that of the unbelieving world. We have produced a generation of youth who are equally immoral to the unbelievers around them. The record shows us to be nearly as sick, nearly as indebted, nearly as emotionally disturbed, nearly as sinful as the people who make no allegiance to our King. So what’s the scoop?

Jesus said, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10). Paul says that our Father “hath delivered us from the power of darkness, and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son” (Colossians1:13). I believe that God intends us to keep our marriages. I believe that he would have us to keep our young people. I believe that he has designed peace for his children. I believe that he has designed health for his body, the church. And I also believe that these things and many more can be received in our day, if we will evaluate and come back to that which he has said.

So, why do you do what you do? How much of what we do is actually based upon our expectation of the way things should be instead of the Bible? Why are our church gatherings structured the way they are? Would the early church even recognize us as being part of them? Are the scriptures our reference point for defining our earthly relationships? Why do we treat families as individuals by an age-segregated approach to training? Why don’t we actually practice church discipline as instructed directly by our Lord in Matt 18 and elsewhere? Why aren’t the “one another’s” or “hospitality commands” of Scripture emphasized or practiced as central to body life? Who is really responsible for the care of our elderly? What does the Bible say about the place of the church in family life? And, what does it say about the place of the family in church life?

My dear brother and sister, there is hope for the church. There is hope for the family. There is hope for our children. There is hope for you. It is found in allowing the Scriptures, the revealed truth of God, to speak into our experience and to become the standard by which all that we do is gauged.

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